YOU FOOL
I.
I shall never forget his cold, harsh, cruel words. I was fourteen, but no stranger to the touch
of men. I am not sure that I can even
remember which was the first of my drunken dad’s friends to slip into my
childhood bedroom. But, this boy,
barely older than me was a good friend. I
thought he was different, a good boy. After
we finished our first time, I whispered my feelings for him in his ear. And, in disgust, and derisiveness, he
recoiled, and blurted out, “… you little fool; did you think I love you?! None of us do; we use you! … ha!”
And, use me they did – so many of them! I just lay there, numb, and hum this tune in
my head, “…He's a man … He's just a man … And
I've had so many … Men before
… In very many ways … He's
just one more …” And, then one day,
you’d never guess who shows up at my door –
(well maybe you would?!) – a preacher!
And he started talking to me about “love” and God and … but, I
interrupted him and blurted out with biting sarcasm, “You fool; do you think I
could love?!” To me “love” was about
nothing but what I could get out of their wallets and what they could get out
of me. But, hey, I was willing to try
anything, at least once!
The stares. The
glares. The giggles. The snickers.
I saw and heard them all. The “good”
neighbors were incredulous. They could
not believe what they saw. He was too
kind to tell me what the “good” neighbors whispered to him, but I heard, more
than once – “…you fool, do you think you love her?! She certainly does not love you; she’s just
using you…” Even my calloused heart was
stung by their sneering glances. I
stayed with him. Gave him a son. Had a couple more kids – but I had begun to
play around by then. Who knows whose
they were! He just acted like everything
was great. What a fool.
With confusion written all over his face, I quizzically
stammered, “you fool, do you think I love you?!” I quickly left, him, the kids, our home,
everything. I had friends waiting for
me. They “loved” me, and could give me
things that he could not. (of course,
there were things that only he ever gave me, but …) I was off to parties and fun! But, after a while, my looks faded; and their
desire abated. To make ends meet, I
became a piece of meat. There’s still a
market for discount, out-of-date produce, even if somewhat blemished and
spoiled. The Johns came by regularly
enough, for a while.
In my door stood my “boss” with a wad of bills in his
hand. (far more than I was worth, to my
customers?!) Then, behind him, there he
was again! I was filled with a confusing
mix of embarrassment and anxiety and hope.
My “boss” growled, “… get out; he bought you for far more than I can
make off you in a year!” You cannot imagine
what I began to wonder, “… you fool, I think you love me!” But, I dared not believe such an outrageous idea. But, thankfully and gratefully, I put my
belongings in a bag, and followed him home; what a nice word, “home.”
Later, I discovered, far too easily, that the children, now
grown, had angrily and hatefully rebuked him, “… you fool, do you think she
loves you?!” It broke my heart; but, sadly,
I cannot disagree with them for being upset.
But, he answered, calmly, but firmly, “… that’s your mother… besides … I
love her, fool though I may be.” My
daughter, in tears, told me this later, adding, “I want a fool who loves me just
like he does you!”
Someday, I may tell her of my first night home. Late that night, that old preacher stood
under the stars, looking into the night sky.
He thought he was out of earshot, alone with his Maker. I will never forget what he whispered to the
heavens – “your stubborn child at last has learned… it’s as she said… ‘you
fool, you do love me, even me!’ thank you for being patient with me…”
May we be such “fools for Christ” loving and loved!
